Science Project
Stan Shaffer was a smartass, and a genius. When he was 12, he saved the world. Or destroyed it, depending on your perspective.
For his 7th grade science project, he discovered, or maybe created, a bacterium. Bacillus Stanleyus, he called it. It could eat carbon dioxide, so he figured it would solve the world’s greenhouse warming problem and get him first prize.
He put the culture into a beaker and demonstrated to the judges how the carbon precipitated out like ashes and nice clean oxygen floated to the top. A computer simulation of Earth showed how a cubic volume of these helpful critters would lower the ambient temperature by 1 degree per 20 years. The ice caps would quit melting, the polar bears and penguins would be very happy and folks who owned beachfront property wouldn’t have to move.
“Very nice,” the judge said.
“Do I get my prize?”
“Ah.... not this year, Stan. It goes to Harry Doltz. You know, the football team captain. He calculated the velocity of the area school football teams’ throws, and predicted the winners for the next few years.”
Stan took his project and dumped it down the toilet. Science fairs were just another popularity contest anyway. For his next project maybe he’d create a bacterium that would eat the judging committee’s clothes.
Stan graduated at 16 and went to MIT. Everyone had to take Sociology, so he wrote his freshman soc paper on “what sacrifices will people make to ensure a liveable planet?” He surveyed random folks in mall parking lots. “We’d pay 50 cents more for gas,” they said. “We’d turn our thermostats down. We’d drive a Honda.”
“Yeah, certainly an idealistic lot,” he muttered to himself.
He wrote his graduate thesis on how the global warming problem would soon work itself out, thanks to an undiscovered bacterium that seemed to be evolving in the oceans of the world. Privately he did calculations on how long it would take an organism to make the trip from Down Toilet, through Sewer, into River, and out to Ocean, and square miles of ocean colonized. About 20 years for results to show, he figured.
Stan applied for a job at the prestigious Engineering Solutions Corporation, but he lacked some important qualifications, such as the right look and the right connections. He was lucky to get a job at the company cafeteria. After several years, scientists at the National Climatology Center looked at their measurements, scratched their heads and said “yes, the Earth’s climate seems to have stabilized. Is it a miracle?” Others said that God looked after His children.
Stan thought about coming out and telling them the real reason. He wished that he’d been smart enough to patent his creation back in 7th grade, because he'd be the richest man on earth. On the other hand, Stan loved to have the last laugh even more than he’d like a Rolls Royce with a swimming pool.
They’d denied him the prize in high school and he was going to show them.
Humans basked in the realization that the world wasn’t coming to an end after all. Yep, there is Someone out there who takes care of us. And they happily went back to driving big cars and cranking up their air conditioners, because all that conservation was for granola-eating hippies, wasn’t it, and wealth was a sign of God’s love, and it was a New, Feel-good Day in America!
One day when Stan was cleaning the storeroom, the janitor said, “the guys at the shop told me my car’s full of rust. What’s with that? I thought cars have been rust-coated since 1985?”
Stan just grinned.
A few weeks later a news item appeared in the science section. “scientists have noticed an increase in materials failure. Bridges, girders are showing signs of wear.”
The big story came when the Universal Trade Building collapsed without warning. At first they blamed terrorists. But no one could find the terrorists and the broken girders showed no signs of tampering. “They were just full of tiny holes, like swiss cheese,” investigators concluded.
Engineering Solutions got hit with some expensive lawsuits and laid off half their workforce—including Stan. In the next few years the talk on all the engineering blogs was about buildings collapsing, missiles failing to launch and cars that weren’t lasting more than a year. Engineers studied the materials and found that they were simply dissolving on a molecular level.
“Is it a new plague? A plague for machines?” the tabloids screamed.
Stan went to his old employer. “I know what the answer is. I suggest you patch me in to the head research committee.”
At first they ignored him. As far as they were concerned he was just some homeless guy--until he began quoting scientific formulas at them. “Oh, very well, but make it quick. The office is closing in time for happy hour.”
He brought a vial of his old creation. No scientist destroys his work without a backup.
“These are my 7th grade science project. I made them to eat carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, solving the global warming problem. If you don’t believe I made these, ask my science teacher.”
“YOU created them? But you’re just a—“
“A nebbish?” he supplied the word. “Yep. Just a geeky nerd who never got a date, but guess what? I’m not so dumb. I knew my bacteria would eventually have to stop eating C02, or they'd eat us right into an ice age.”
The research committee just sat there goggle-eyed.
“So I built a safeguard in. When the temperature dropped below a certain point, my little bugs would change their diet. Instead of eating carbon dioxide, they’d eat metal. Iron, steel, the kind of stuff that important structures are made of.”
The listeners’ mouths and eyes opened even wider. “But—civilization will crumble! Industry will grind to a halt—”
“Yep. That’s insurance to prevent global warming from starting up again. Do you think people will go for it?”
“You’re mad! You’re tinkering with the destiny of the whole world...”
“That’s right. I always liked to tinker. I can’t wait to find out: what are people willing to sacrifice for a future planet? It’ll be an interesting experiment.”
The astonished scientists and reporters couldn’t think of a word to say.
“Just consider it my latest science project,” said Stan, heading for the door. “If I win a prize, give me a call. Oh—” he turned back to say, “make sure the prize isn’t made of metal.”
*********************************************************************************************************************************************
Tesla's Signal: a classic-style SF novel about the greatest inventor ever forgotten. See Main Page
Stan Shaffer was a smartass, and a genius. When he was 12, he saved the world. Or destroyed it, depending on your perspective.
For his 7th grade science project, he discovered, or maybe created, a bacterium. Bacillus Stanleyus, he called it. It could eat carbon dioxide, so he figured it would solve the world’s greenhouse warming problem and get him first prize.
He put the culture into a beaker and demonstrated to the judges how the carbon precipitated out like ashes and nice clean oxygen floated to the top. A computer simulation of Earth showed how a cubic volume of these helpful critters would lower the ambient temperature by 1 degree per 20 years. The ice caps would quit melting, the polar bears and penguins would be very happy and folks who owned beachfront property wouldn’t have to move.
“Very nice,” the judge said.
“Do I get my prize?”
“Ah.... not this year, Stan. It goes to Harry Doltz. You know, the football team captain. He calculated the velocity of the area school football teams’ throws, and predicted the winners for the next few years.”
Stan took his project and dumped it down the toilet. Science fairs were just another popularity contest anyway. For his next project maybe he’d create a bacterium that would eat the judging committee’s clothes.
Stan graduated at 16 and went to MIT. Everyone had to take Sociology, so he wrote his freshman soc paper on “what sacrifices will people make to ensure a liveable planet?” He surveyed random folks in mall parking lots. “We’d pay 50 cents more for gas,” they said. “We’d turn our thermostats down. We’d drive a Honda.”
“Yeah, certainly an idealistic lot,” he muttered to himself.
He wrote his graduate thesis on how the global warming problem would soon work itself out, thanks to an undiscovered bacterium that seemed to be evolving in the oceans of the world. Privately he did calculations on how long it would take an organism to make the trip from Down Toilet, through Sewer, into River, and out to Ocean, and square miles of ocean colonized. About 20 years for results to show, he figured.
Stan applied for a job at the prestigious Engineering Solutions Corporation, but he lacked some important qualifications, such as the right look and the right connections. He was lucky to get a job at the company cafeteria. After several years, scientists at the National Climatology Center looked at their measurements, scratched their heads and said “yes, the Earth’s climate seems to have stabilized. Is it a miracle?” Others said that God looked after His children.
Stan thought about coming out and telling them the real reason. He wished that he’d been smart enough to patent his creation back in 7th grade, because he'd be the richest man on earth. On the other hand, Stan loved to have the last laugh even more than he’d like a Rolls Royce with a swimming pool.
They’d denied him the prize in high school and he was going to show them.
Humans basked in the realization that the world wasn’t coming to an end after all. Yep, there is Someone out there who takes care of us. And they happily went back to driving big cars and cranking up their air conditioners, because all that conservation was for granola-eating hippies, wasn’t it, and wealth was a sign of God’s love, and it was a New, Feel-good Day in America!
One day when Stan was cleaning the storeroom, the janitor said, “the guys at the shop told me my car’s full of rust. What’s with that? I thought cars have been rust-coated since 1985?”
Stan just grinned.
A few weeks later a news item appeared in the science section. “scientists have noticed an increase in materials failure. Bridges, girders are showing signs of wear.”
The big story came when the Universal Trade Building collapsed without warning. At first they blamed terrorists. But no one could find the terrorists and the broken girders showed no signs of tampering. “They were just full of tiny holes, like swiss cheese,” investigators concluded.
Engineering Solutions got hit with some expensive lawsuits and laid off half their workforce—including Stan. In the next few years the talk on all the engineering blogs was about buildings collapsing, missiles failing to launch and cars that weren’t lasting more than a year. Engineers studied the materials and found that they were simply dissolving on a molecular level.
“Is it a new plague? A plague for machines?” the tabloids screamed.
Stan went to his old employer. “I know what the answer is. I suggest you patch me in to the head research committee.”
At first they ignored him. As far as they were concerned he was just some homeless guy--until he began quoting scientific formulas at them. “Oh, very well, but make it quick. The office is closing in time for happy hour.”
He brought a vial of his old creation. No scientist destroys his work without a backup.
“These are my 7th grade science project. I made them to eat carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, solving the global warming problem. If you don’t believe I made these, ask my science teacher.”
“YOU created them? But you’re just a—“
“A nebbish?” he supplied the word. “Yep. Just a geeky nerd who never got a date, but guess what? I’m not so dumb. I knew my bacteria would eventually have to stop eating C02, or they'd eat us right into an ice age.”
The research committee just sat there goggle-eyed.
“So I built a safeguard in. When the temperature dropped below a certain point, my little bugs would change their diet. Instead of eating carbon dioxide, they’d eat metal. Iron, steel, the kind of stuff that important structures are made of.”
The listeners’ mouths and eyes opened even wider. “But—civilization will crumble! Industry will grind to a halt—”
“Yep. That’s insurance to prevent global warming from starting up again. Do you think people will go for it?”
“You’re mad! You’re tinkering with the destiny of the whole world...”
“That’s right. I always liked to tinker. I can’t wait to find out: what are people willing to sacrifice for a future planet? It’ll be an interesting experiment.”
The astonished scientists and reporters couldn’t think of a word to say.
“Just consider it my latest science project,” said Stan, heading for the door. “If I win a prize, give me a call. Oh—” he turned back to say, “make sure the prize isn’t made of metal.”
*********************************************************************************************************************************************
Tesla's Signal: a classic-style SF novel about the greatest inventor ever forgotten. See Main Page